October 26-30: Reading Week

Jeremy and I trying to keep it together in class. I failed. Twice.

So this week was reading week, and I have accomplished exactly nothing with my life since... October 22, which is pretty pathetic given that it's October 30th. To combat that, I'm going to spend the next hour and a half writing as many journals as I can while I wash my bedding. And before you freak out or get disgusted, I swear it's not the first load of laundry I've done at school. It's not even the first time I've done my bedding, I've just decided to spend my Friday like this. Have a silly selfie while I try and find my charger.

Oh, I forgot to mention, no more dance journals. I know they were super riveting and it was the content that everyone looked forward to with eager anticipation, but that project is over, so no more dance. (I just looked back, and in the 4 days leading up to and including the due date, I had over 210 page hits, all on dance journals.) That said, if I actually accomplish something badass, or do something really stupid, I'll obviously blog about it so you can all bask in my endless stupidity.

I also lied, we did a workshop with a few members of the traveling company of Motown: The Musical, but that get's its own post.

Week 7b: Reading Week Needs To Be Now

So I got a 67% on my ballet midterm. Excuse me while I go pack my bags.

If you google "Elmira" this is the only
non-geographical picture that shows up. I'm not
even joking, try it right now.

In all seriousness though, I'm so mad. I've been working so hard in my classes, putting in so much effort, and I've really been trying, and yet my downfall will be pliés and sautés. UGH! I'm not about this life.

I'm really starting to stress though. I've been shedding hair like crazy, I'm starting to become sleep deprived, and I'm getting sick. I can feel the symptoms of my anxiety coming back and it's worrying me, which in turn just makes me more anxious. It's a vicious circle of worry and I'm going to make myself sick again.

I'm also starting to panic about Musical Theatre next year as well. All I really want for my future right now is to get into MT but I don't think I'm going to cut it. At the same time though, I'm not 100% sure I can even cut it in prep. People are dropping out left, right and centre. Every week or two there's one less person here, one less voice in choir. I'm terrified that I'll become the next empty chair, the next Ingrid joke. I don't want to be the crazy girl that dropped out of college because she couldn't even take care of herself for a couple weeks.

Even if I do get into MT, what if I can't cut it? People drop out every year. What if I go through all the hoops to get in and then drop out the first week? Or worse, two or three years in with nothing to show for it. Then what? I can't go back to Elmira. Not like that.

What am I going to do?

Movement & Dance I- Midterm Review

So for the past 7 weeks, I've been taking Ballet Foundations (Movement & Dance I), and, at my professor's request, I've blogged the whole experience. I've noticed a lot of changes, but I've also seen a lot of things that still need to be fixed.

The biggest change I've noticed hasn't actually been something external, it's been internal. I've found that "that feeling" has bit by bit, started to come back. That magical feeling you get in your soul when you dance. That happy feeling of carefree bliss that you feel radiate through your body. It's better than any high, and I'm slowly starting to find it again.

I've noticed that my balance is getting better as well. It's a smaller change but it's one of those little ones you notice gradually over time. My left leg in particular is becoming stronger, and I've noticed that it's a lot easier to hold my retirés in comparison to a few weeks back, and even my arabesques are beginning to wobble less. However, my right leg now needs to catch up, as I still wobble way to much. I've also been getting better at avoiding a death grip on the barre, which was a struggle initially. My chaînés have also been benefitting, and I managed to go all the way across the floor on Monday without losing my balance, or spot, which was a huge moment of pride for me.

My leg extension is starting to improve, predominantly with my grand battements, and I'm slowly but surely getting higher with my extensions. That said though, I still need to work on my developpé because I can't get overly high, and there's a lot of tension in my tibialis anterior, tibialis posterior and soleus muscles. While that is an issue that affects a lot of movements and positions, I find that it's the most noticeable with developpés.

While I have made improvements there are still things that I need to fix though, and the biggest is that I need to relax. I started watching myself in the mirror on Monday, and I honestly looked ready to commit murder or something. I just looked so furious, like I was being put through some operatic tragedy by being there. I've also become aware of how much it affects my movements. I'm trying to hold a level of professionalism, and seriousness, but I feel like that is now starting to encroach on my ability to move and feel as a dancer.

I'm still struggling with my knees, but it's becoming a little better. I'm catching myself now when I start to flex my knees, and it's becoming faster, but I'm still doing it, which I'd rather not.

So here it is, the sum of the last 7 weeks of my life dancing. I'm by no means good, I have so far to go, but I've come decently far from where I was before, so I've got that going for me. I'm eager to see how the next 7 weeks unfold, and to see how my abilities grow, or stagnate (which hopefully won't happen).

Movement & Dance I- October 19 (Midterms)

So I danced my midterm, and it was... okay. 

I did have problems, though. I was having issues with my feet on Sunday night and throughout Monday. This meant that I was struggling to put weight or pressure on the heels of my feet, to the point where I couldn't even get my shoes on, and danced barefoot. 

Some things were okay. I could do tendus alright because I could stay more on the balls of my feet, but plies were an absolute nightmare. I looked like I was attempting a grande plie but got stuck part way down. 

I made a lot of small mistakes as well. A misplaced arm, the wrong direction en croix, or having my feet apart, or not quite in first (stupid heels), but I managed to not screw up too horribly badly. I think.

Sautés almost killed me though. When I was doing them, I was trying to avoid going down to low, but I'd flub, and slam one of my heels into the floor, or during the changement I whacked my heels off of each other a couple times and almost cried. 

It was bloody hard, and my legs still ache, but I think overall, it could have been a lot worse, especially given the circumstances. 

Week 7a: Low-Key Panicking

Feet are gross and I hate them.

Tomorrow is my dance midterm. As it is, I can't stand, because my heels have split open so badly that even grazing them sends shooting pain up my foot and leg. I'm going to fail. So yeah, if I flunk out and have to move back home, left the world know: my feet suck and I hate everything right now.

Week 6: Thanksgiving & Politics (Seasoned with Baseball)

So I went home for Thanksgiving and I VOTED IN MY FIRST FEDERAL ELECTION. The problem is, I done goofed and never took a photo (whoops) so I'm going to steal Sean's post-voting selfie, and call it a day.

That's it. It was one of those weeks where pictures just show things so much better than I could explain anything.

When I went home for Thanksgiving, my sister wanted to go on a hike, so we went as a family. Left to right is my Mom, Dad, Uncle Rob, Aunt Cheryl, Katelyn, Aunt Sandra, Gram, my sister Tami and her husband Logan. Missing are my cousins Jake, Darcie and Tyler, and my uncle Duane.

Oh, and Meghan! So my friend Meghan is from St. Louis, Missouri, and this will be her first Thanksgiving away from home. Not only that, but most of Gamma (including me) live close enough to school to go home for the weekend. I didn't want to leave Meghan alone, especially knowing how big of a deal American Thanksgiving is, so I brought her home with me for the weekend. German themed Thanksgiving with the world's biggest Cardinals fan in a house of Blue Jay fans, was interesting, but it made for some really lively banter. 

But yeah, all in all, not a bad time. Plus I got a great picture of Meghan with a bag of rice, so that was also fun.

Movement & Dance I- October 14

So today I missed class because I was sick. Today is also the last day of class before our midterm assessment. I'm going to be doing that assessment after not dancing for 2 weeks. This is going to be terrifying, and I fear for my marks in this class.

Movement & Dance- October 12

Today's Thanksgiving, so there's no class.

Week 5b: Shows and Seriousness (And Also TYT)

So John made this hilarious discovery at Second City. This is the 
desktop on the sound designer's computer. I'm never going to stop 
laughing about it.

Y'all. We saw one of our profs, Adeen Ashton, in Mary Poppins at the Lower Ossington Theatre this week and it was great. I love seeing profs work outside of Sheridan, because it's so cool to see them in the throws of their profession.

We also went to Second City, which is where our prof Geri Hall got her start. While not every sketch was perfect, and it wasn't my favourite show, most of the sketches were amazing, and I loved them.

School's been getting more stressful though. More projects, less money, and now an added extra.

Because I clearly hate sleep, and want to add even more to my schedule, I decided to join Toronto Youth Theatre, and we're putting on a cabaret at the Lower Ossington Theatre in Toronto during the last week of school. Why am I doing something else to add to my busy schedule? I don't know, but it's going to be a great experience, and I'm so crazy excited.

Week 5a: We Make Our Families

Me, Marisa and Ali

I'm not really sure when I can to realize it. It might have been Week 3 after I wrote “Ohana”, it might have been during all the bus rides I've taken over the last month-month and a half, but I've had what I guess you'd call an epiphany.

We make our own families.

We all have our families back home. Some of us just have one parent, some both biological, and a lot of people in the program come from families with step-parent(s) as well. Some of us are only children, some have one or two siblings, some five or six, and some have enough full, half, and step-siblings to rival the Duggar family. 

Prep kind of transcends that, and we become our own family. So, since thanksgivings coming up, I guess this year, I'm thankful for prep, for giving me the chance to leave Elmira.

Movement & Dance- October 7

A grand battement devant.

This is weird. I feel like I don't have anything to say about this class that I haven't already said in another journal.

1. I still hate my arms. That said, I've noticed I've started getting more "flourishy" with my arms, and adding in little movements at the beginning of an exercise. Steph hasn't said anything about it, positive or negative, and I see some of the other girls do it occasionally, so maybe this is an okay thing to do.

2. I'm literally screwing up the same 3 bloody things every week. I bend my knees when I start to tendu because I still think of figure skating. My grand battements are still lope-sided. I honestly don't even have a "this is why", it just happens. I have to consciously think about where my legs are in relation to the barre, or else I'll have one leg going 6 inches off the ground, and the other will go a metre up.

3. I still slip up and forget what sport I'm doing. I imagine that when watching me dance you can effortlessly tell when my brain goes from "Ballet" to "Figure Skating" because my legs will go from "straight and graceful" to "bent and ready for stroking". I promise you, it's not intentional, my lizard brain just keeps kicking in.

OH! I'm dumb and I lied. Of all things I thought would come easy, I never expected doing a grand battement to a polka to be one of them. I have absolutely no clue how or why, but when Christobelle started playing and we went, my body just sort of did it. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. That was a pretty spectacular feeling, and it did help with the confidence. In fairness though, coordination to music is never something I've struggled with, because since I started figure skating, two of the big focal points were to find the musicality in a movement, and to find where and how the movement fits in a piece of music.

I apparently had a lot to say. Cool.

Movement & Dance- October 5

Chassés are easier to show with the full movement, but I can only use pictures,
so I'm making do. In ballet, chassés are done by one foot sliding out in front of
the other, then having the back foot "chase" after it.

SUCCESS!

So last week we started a bit of work on chassés, but we just touched on them, we didn't do much work because we were running out of time. That said, when we came back to them today, I realized that it was exactly the difference I was looking for. Chassés in ballet are all about that slight change in balance for our port de bras; chassés in skating are all about the changes of edges.

In figure skating, chassés are all about your edges. It's less about your feet
chasing after each other, and more about your change of edge, however, the
name chassé is kept, because the change can't be done without your back foot
chasing the front one.

Anyway, I'm starting to actually enjoy sautés which I never thought I'd say. I've noticed that as the days pass, all the leg muscles I've forgotten about when I stopped swimming and skating are starting to wake back up and engage again. It's starting to feel like when I did the hip hop ministry two years ago. That dancing head space is starting to come easier, the sort of electric intensity is coming back to my body. I've started notice I can push myself harder now too, and that things that were hard at the beginning (the plank in Sun Salutation) is easier to hold and lower. I really enjoy how this is all starting to feel. For how mad I get at myself for not looking as perfect as other girls in my class, at the same time, there's a little piece of me that adores that feeling I get when I'm dancing again, like for just a moment, my soul is free.

Week 4b- Cubes and Jarryd

So this photo is actually from week 3, but it's hands down one of my 

favourite pictures from college thus far, because it's essentially the most 

accurate description of Rez there is. (L-R: (Top) Dylan [Showbiz], 
Kelsey, Scott. (Middle) Cole [Musical Theatre], Josie, Zoe, Me, Justine, 
Greg [Musical Theatre, Floor 3 RA], [Real] John [Media Fundies]. 
(Bottom) Melissa

Do you ever have one of those days, where you just wake up, and you can feel it in your bones that it's going to be one of those days? One of those days that live in infamy in your mind as both the best and worst? Well for me, October 2, 2015 was one of those days. I don't know if it was the stress of only having a week for the Era Project Magi assigned, or that we all started to reach that point of comfort with everyone, but as a collect program, we all had a mental break down that day, and it was all because of cubes.

Looking back at this week, it all feels like a strange, kerfuzzled dream, like when you're under anesthesia. (And yes, I did invent a word. I couldn't find a word I needed, so I made one. I'm like Shakespeare, only a 21st Century white girl.)

The squad also got awkward family photos done. 

L-R: (Top) Meghan [Art Fundies], Jessie [BA- 

Photography], Real John [Media Fundies]. (Middle) 

Random RA [???], Aaron [BA- Game Design], Dylan 

C [BA- Game Design], Josh, [Adertising & Marketing] 

Sean [Justin Trudeau; BA- Film & Television]. 

(Bottom) Dylan P [BA- Photography], Emily [Theatre 

Tech], Berkley [Visual & Creative Merchandising], 

Me, Mackenzie [Adervising & Marketing]. (Laps) 

Sarah [Makeup].

You know what? I'm taking that back. This ENTIRE week felt like that. Looking back I can't remember what happened anymore. So instead of boring you with a bunch of haphazard words, I'll just entertain you with some vignettes and pictures.

My roommate owns 2 Voss bottles. They are her babies, she drove all the way to Thornbury to get them. I'm allowed to borrow them (as my water bottle has been at Conor's for 2 months) on the condition that I have it the next time I walk into our suite.

Well. One day, I done goofed, and forgot it. PANICKING, I posted of the Facebook group asking if anyone had seen it. As it was, I just left it in the ballet studio so I grabbed it after class, and skipped on my merry way home to make dinner. A few days later I come home from class to the usual landslide of notifications, but oddly enough a bunch were from Jarryd (which never happens). Clicking on it I find this fantastical saga of Jarryd, Khalil and a stranger's water bottle:

Brittany, did you lose your roommate's 

water bottle again?

Khalil: No.

Well, then I just stole someone's water 

bottle.

After seeing their exchange, John posted this the next morning:

Okay, VOSS with all these bottle everywhere?

The whole thing was such a stupid exchange, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who thinks this, but I just thought it was funny.

My last journal...

Naffy, Staci, Peter and I went mini golfing on Monday.

It was very hodge-podgy, and there's too many mood flips. Congratulations Jarryd, you get a whole journal about you now! :) I'll post it in about a half hour, after I edit the Cubes entry.

Week 4a- We Day and Older Brother Wisdom

(Back) Me, Joy, Edwin, Bryce, Caitlyn, Jacob, Khalil [Honorary 
member.]. (Front) Conor, Renisha, Tenisha. (Missing: Mikayla, Chriss) 

For as amazing as this program is, and for as much fun as my group had with our Georgian Era project, it was really hard to come to class on Thursday [October 1], when the one place in the world I really wanted to be was Toronto. I also truly learned what adulthood is this week, when I was faced with two choices. I could blow off my group, screw them out of a person, and leave them to present our project without me, and I could have an amazing day in Toronto. Or, I could suck it up, and go to class, because I had a responsibility to my group to show up. You should know, though, I wouldn't just be going to Toronto to screw around for the day, I'd be volunteering. 

2011: Everyone was a crowd pumper except for me. I
sold merchandise. (Back) Emily, Alyssa, Nicolas, 

Kenzie, Mysterious Blonde Guy, (Front) Me

Since I was 12 years old, volunteering has been a huge part of my life, and now that I'm older, and huge section of my resume. But I don't do it for resume padding, I don't do it to look good, or even so I could graduate high school. I do it because it's the right thing to do. I'm lucky that I don't live in poverty, I still have a job in college, and I have a lot of privileges afforded to me because I won the cosmic lottery, and was born in a country like Canada, to parents that stood by me. So I volunteer, because if I've been blessed with good things, I damn well better deserve them. 

Amongst other projects, for the past 4 years, I've always made sure to take a couple days out of my life to volunteer with Me to We. I've never been able to afford a service trip, but this is one thing I can always afford the few dollars in transit to do.

2012: I was a crowd pumper this time! Kelvin, Emma, Sierra, Kenzie, 

Irene, Me

I don't know what it is, maybe it's the people, the atmosphere, or the fact that my overbearing extroversion is not only accepted but encouraged, but something about this day just makes me feel... whole. I feel like I belong, like my loudness and weirdness is almost celebrated instead of hidden. And I know a lot of people think it's a waste of time and money, and everyone's entitled to their opinion, but there's just something about it. 

There's this moment, and it's at a different time every year (and to be honest, you feel it the most when Craig and Marc come on stage), but it's like this spark has ignited in the arena. It starts on the stage, and flows down, across the floor, then up the edges of the bowl to the roof. It's blinding to look at, and steals your breath. It overpowers your senses until it's literally filling your body with this untamable energy. It roars in your ears, pools in your eyes, runs out your nose and mouth. It clutches your lungs, stops your heart, and fills your stomach the way no food can. It overpowers you, firing on every nerve, until suddenly it freezes. For one solitary nanosecond times freezes, and you can finally name it. It's... hope. You're surrounded by over 7 300 people, most of whom are kids, and every last one of them in full of blinding, pure, innocent hope. 

2013: I started to make my own friends this year! Me, Anika, Jonny,
Monika, Blythe

It's the most beautiful feeling in the world to see. I say feeling, because there's something about the way it shows itself that you can see, feel, hear, almost touch. Hope breaks out of its abstract cage and becomes this real, tangible creature. 

I honestly believe you feel it the most as a crowd pumper, because you're entire job is to not only gauge and monitor the overall mood of the kids, but it's to get it as high as you can, and make sure they have the best day of their life. You're there months before applying for a position; weeks before pumping everyone up on the Facebook group; the week before learning the dance and making up cheers and posters; the day before making sure everyone knows the dances, everyone makes a friend out of the day, and everyone has a place to pump up; freezing your butt off at 6:30am, waiting to get into the building the morning of; getting a pump up speech from Craig; welcoming the kids in and giving them the best day of their life. You're there from the moment they walk through the door, bedraggled and exhausted, till the end, when they fly out the door, ready to take on the world. There's no feeling like it.

2014: We got on the floor! Elizabeth, Manahil, Me, Jonny, Monika, Owen

It broke my heart to miss it this year. What made it even harder for me was that We Day Waterloo went under, so the one in Toronto was my only hope, and I had to miss it. It took a lot of restraint to not cry when Jonny messaged me during DigiComm asking where I was. But this is also just how adulthood is. You can't ask Mommy to make your hard decisions, and you can't ignore your problems till they go away. Adulthood isn't losing out on all the fun in life, it's about deciding what's important, and what truly matters.

This is Paul. We look nothing alike. It's almost like we 

aren't even actually related. (We aren't.)

My brother Paul is a huge fan of telling me "You make time for what's important to you" when I neglect things like reading my bible. Or spending time with him. He uses it in the context of God, but it can be applied to other situations, like my Class vs. We Day situation. On one hand We Day is important. I do it every year, and I love having an impact of hundreds of kids lives. But on the other, my group was depending on me to show up. I gave them my word that I'd be there, I did my written part of the project, but I needed to "put up or shut up". That is to say "Do the whole project, or suffer the consequences and wrath of my group".

So I got out of bed, sucked it up, and went to class, because I'm an adult.

We took another program photo that day. For as much of a reminder as it is of all the moments in Toronto that I missed, and will never get back, it's also a reminder of my choice to really enter adulthood, and what it truly means. Adulthood isn't skipping out on fun, and it's not making your life outside of work take the sidelines. Adulthood is finding the joy in your work, and about ensuring everyone's needs are met and cared for. Maybe it's just the Mennonite coming out, but that's adulthood to me.

This got really deep, and now it's 1AM, and I've been working on this for six hours. I should go to bed...

Look, Mom! We're adulting!

A couple bonus photos from We Day Waterloo 2014. 

Travis and I were trying to be cute, then Owen and two random girls 

decided to photobomb. This was the least bad one.

Some of the front-half floor pumpers from We Day Waterloo 2014, and our lovely 
Champion Volunteer, Sara (She's in the blue sweater. This girl's gonna change the 
world). Sadly, I've forgotten almost everyone else's names. I feel really bad now.

On the floor, right before the day started. Travis (back turned), Elizabeth, Jonny, Monika, Me, Manahil, Owen