Week 14: Oh Crap...

I've reached that point now, where my brain can no longer function properly. I can't focus on anything, I have a bunch of projects due tomorrow, and my chest is aching from caffeine and anxiety. My panic about next year is starting to set in even more now...

Week 13b: Today Was Better (lol jk, anxiety has to rub her filthy hands on everything)

(I wrote both these on Saturday, so "today" refers to December 12th.)

We're having squad Christmas, so I'm cooking an 11lbs chicken that my dad raised, doing homework, and journaling all in one go, so here's hoping this works.

I got to see Paul this morning while I was at home, and I'm so glad. I never get to see him since I moved, so having breakfast with him... it felt like a weight lifted off my chest. My friend Kyle was a total champ today as well. I still wasn't feeling the best, but he hung out and gave me a bunch of hugs, which I really needed.

I'm still kind of nervous that tonight won't work out, or everyone will bail or something, but for now I'm trying to be optimistic that it's going to go okay.

(Just pretend four hours have passed, because for me they have.)

It went okay. The bird wasn't perfect, but I cooked it, and it- for the most part- fell off the bone, but I wish it would've been a bit juicier, and that I'd've carved it faster. All in all though, it wasn't a bad night though.

(Hey look, time passed before I edited this.)

I feel like the past few days has just been measured by time between panic attacks, not real time. I almost had one at the grocery store, had one shortly before writing this journal, and my roommate talked me out of one before I edited this journal. I love school, theatre, and this program, but I'm in so much pain from anxiety that it feels like I'm going to physically crack a rib from how tight my chest is. I missed class on Friday, because I woke up having an anxiety attack. Even in my friggin sleep I'm so stressed I'm panicking.

What am I going to do next semester..?

Week 13a: Compelling and Believable

A screencap from our scene. Tanisha played Estragon (a hallucinated
voice in my head), and I played Vladimir (Didi).

So for our final exams for acting, instead of having us a write a conventional sit-down, we were given a scene study. Breaking on groups of two, each pair was given 2 pages from the play “Waiting for Godot” and were allowed to present it, or stylize it in any way they chose. Tanisha and I partnered up and decided to do it as a schizophrenic addict fighting with one of the voices in her head.

After we presented, one of the things that Mark mentioned was that something about my portrayal of character was both “compelling and believable”. I think that's the most positive thing about being crazy, I've even heard.

I love how surprised people get when I can play “crazy” well. I'm going to let y'all in on a secret. It's not acting, so much as it is accepting and replaying.

I've watched enough people smoked (and smoked enough myself) to know what someone looks and acts like when they smoke. I've been around enough addicts to tell when they're itching for a hit, all I really do, is emulate what they'd do. I have enough crazy in my head, that all I had to do was let some of it show.

Week 12c: Casting!

We've auditioned just about everyone for Georgia, there's just a few videos, then we'll be sitting down to do it on Monday at lunch.

Week 12b: On A Completely Unrelated Note

My doctor thinks I'm allergic to the residence building or the school or something, so I'm being put on steroids to see if it fixes all the problems I've been having with my eyes/ears/nose/throat/tonsils. Like, it'll either help or it won't but I'm hoping it does so I can put my energy back into Georgia. 

I'm also going back on my anti-depressants, so here's hoping it'll help again. 

Week 12a: Ohana My Ass

My schedule for Weeks 12-14 is a little full. Just a tad. Excuse me while I schedule in time

to cry.

I don't know if it's because it's winter, or it's just my depression clouding my view on things, but as of late I've just felt so left out. It feels like we started the year as one giant, close-knit family, and everyone was friends with everyone. But now? I just feel so... lonely. Like, all the time. Everyone's found their squad, their crew, their family, except me. It feels like I'm in a bubble or something. I know lots of people, and I know people from every social circle, but I'm not close with anyone. I'm just kind of an outcast.

It's like high school. I was always the mom. I helped plan the parties, the camping trips and the birthday surprises, but I was never invited along, never really one of the group. Even on the off-chance that I got to go, I'd often end up babysitting drunk girls, and cleaning up other people's messes. I get to write student council on my resume, but I never really got to do much, just be a lackie and a messenger. Even working at the shop was like this. I ate lunch with everyone, I got invited to the bar a few times, but I never really fit in, I was never one of the guys.

College is starting to feel like this. Planning parties, reminding every one of assignments and exams, but never really feeling like I'm part of anything. Even now, with people that I think are my best friends, the self-doubt starts to creep into the back of my mind. I've had a few people now tell me that I should be a stage manager, because I keep everyone in line. I don't know if I ever could though, if this is how lonely the life of an SM is.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind taking care of other people, it's something I've been doing my whole life. But sometimes I really, really just need someone to hug me, and ask me if I'm okay. 

This got hella depressing...