Week 12a: Ohana My Ass

My schedule for Weeks 12-14 is a little full. Just a tad. Excuse me while I schedule in time

to cry.

I don't know if it's because it's winter, or it's just my depression clouding my view on things, but as of late I've just felt so left out. It feels like we started the year as one giant, close-knit family, and everyone was friends with everyone. But now? I just feel so... lonely. Like, all the time. Everyone's found their squad, their crew, their family, except me. It feels like I'm in a bubble or something. I know lots of people, and I know people from every social circle, but I'm not close with anyone. I'm just kind of an outcast.

It's like high school. I was always the mom. I helped plan the parties, the camping trips and the birthday surprises, but I was never invited along, never really one of the group. Even on the off-chance that I got to go, I'd often end up babysitting drunk girls, and cleaning up other people's messes. I get to write student council on my resume, but I never really got to do much, just be a lackie and a messenger. Even working at the shop was like this. I ate lunch with everyone, I got invited to the bar a few times, but I never really fit in, I was never one of the guys.

College is starting to feel like this. Planning parties, reminding every one of assignments and exams, but never really feeling like I'm part of anything. Even now, with people that I think are my best friends, the self-doubt starts to creep into the back of my mind. I've had a few people now tell me that I should be a stage manager, because I keep everyone in line. I don't know if I ever could though, if this is how lonely the life of an SM is.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind taking care of other people, it's something I've been doing my whole life. But sometimes I really, really just need someone to hug me, and ask me if I'm okay. 

This got hella depressing...