(I wrote both these on Saturday, so "today" refers to December 12th.)
We're having squad Christmas, so I'm cooking an 11lbs chicken that my dad raised, doing homework, and journaling all in one go, so here's hoping this works.
I got to see Paul this morning while I was at home, and I'm so glad. I never get to see him since I moved, so having breakfast with him... it felt like a weight lifted off my chest. My friend Kyle was a total champ today as well. I still wasn't feeling the best, but he hung out and gave me a bunch of hugs, which I really needed.
I'm still kind of nervous that tonight won't work out, or everyone will bail or something, but for now I'm trying to be optimistic that it's going to go okay.
(Just pretend four hours have passed, because for me they have.)
It went okay. The bird wasn't perfect, but I cooked it, and it- for the most part- fell off the bone, but I wish it would've been a bit juicier, and that I'd've carved it faster. All in all though, it wasn't a bad night though.
(Hey look, time passed before I edited this.)
I feel like the past few days has just been measured by time between panic attacks, not real time. I almost had one at the grocery store, had one shortly before writing this journal, and my roommate talked me out of one before I edited this journal. I love school, theatre, and this program, but I'm in so much pain from anxiety that it feels like I'm going to physically crack a rib from how tight my chest is. I missed class on Friday, because I woke up having an anxiety attack. Even in my friggin sleep I'm so stressed I'm panicking.
What am I going to do next semester..?
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